5 Reasons Why We Need To Stop Playing The Comparison Game In Parenthood.

“Wow, he didn’t walk until 16 months? That is SO LATE!”

“My child had 20 words before they were 2. Isn’t that what they’re supposed to have?”

“Oh he isn’t crawling yet? Aren’t you concerned?”

“She’s still not talking in two word sentences. But your child is, I don’t understand why!”

If you’re a mom of young children or just a mom in general, chances are you’ve been a part of these conversations. You’ve probably had similar things said to you as you stand around at the park watching your child play with other kids.

It’s all too familiar isn’t it?

What am I talking about that makes me want to walk away from these conversations with other moms?

Comparison.

I talked about this very thing a few weeks ago in my instagram stories because it’s something that is as common as your toddler’s 10 AM poop every morning. We’ve all done it and we’ve all had it done to us. I’m not talking about having a chat with a close friend and discussing concerns you might have about your own child. That’s entirely different. I’m talking about feeling the need to constantly compare your child to other children in terms of what they are (or aren’t doing) to reassure yourself.

If you didn’t catch my insta stories, then I’ll tell you now how I really feel about it.

I think it’s a huge waste of time and it’s NOT important.

Today I’m going to share in more detail WHY.

• Comparison can create unnecessary competition. This is inevitable . When parents stand around and start talking about what their kids are doing or developing in, it will without a doubt stir up feelings of competition. When did parenthood become about whose child does “X Y Z” the soonest, fastest or most efficiently? All of sudden we’re worried about our child performing in a certain way because little Bobby had 40 words before the age of two. This sense of competition can strain relationships with friends, family AND our own children. None of which is healthy from a relational standpoint.

• Comparison can create unhealthy expectations. THIS is really important. If you don’t take anything else away from this post, please consider this point. When we get caught up in this comparison trap we can place heavy, unrealistic expectations on our own kids. This is not fair to them. As a former ECE, someone who studied early childhood development in college and then spent many subsequent years working with young children, I’m here to tell you that children develop uniquely based on a variety of factors. Is there a standard of development for babies, toddlers and children? Yes. I’m NOT saying you shouldn’t take your child to a doctor/specialist if you suspect developmental delays. What I am saying is it can be damaging to our children to continually compare them to others. Ask a therapist. Ask them what they counsel many adults about. It’s often the damage that person felt as child being constantly compared to others, never feeling good enough. That is serious. Consider the weight of your words and expectations with your children. What is most important to you as a parent? Don’t make your affection and love something that your child has to earn based on how they perform or what they do.

• Our child’s development actually has little to do with our abilities as parents. We NEED to hear this as parents! We think that because we did (or do) X Y Z our children are little geniuses. OR it’s the reason WHY they aren’t doing this or that. Whether your child was walking at 9 months or 18 months does NOT make you a GOOD or BAD parent. It doesn’t mean anything. Children are intrinsically motivated to develop certain skills and abilities based on their OWN unique personalities. If you have one child right now, it might be difficult to see this. But if you have more down the road, you will see the differences in your children and learn that personality has so much to do with what children are motivated to learn.

• Comparison can reveal our DEEP insecurities. This point is interesting. When I’ve had these conversations with other parents, I often start to see what exactly they are insecure about. I’m not a therapist or counsellor but it isn’t difficult to feel the weight of someone’s insecurities in the conversations you have with them. If you personally find yourself caught up in comparison, worrying about what your child is (or isn’t) doing and always talking about it, I would encourage you to seek counsel. Again, I’m NOT a professional but I think it can only do good to talk through our own insecurities as parents, if they are consuming us and negatively impacting our parenting. This is also why, when you have these conversations with other parents and start to feel overwhelmed you can say, ” Your insecurities are NOT my insecurities.” Maybe don’t say it out loud, but you can have some understanding as to WHY so many people struggle with comparison. It’s often deeply rooted in insecurity that can stem from a variety of causes.

• Comparison is a waste of precious time, at the end of the day. Moms and dads, I’m here to tell you-it’s just not as important as you might think it is. I’m not saying you shouldn’t care how your child is developing. But remember, much of how children develop in their early years has little bearing on their lives in the long term.

What if you feel like you’re really stuck in this vicious cycle of comparison with your child? I have a few ideas that you could try to shut it down and start changing the way you think.

• Look at your child’s qualities, abilities and skills as unique to them. Appreciate what they ARE doing, focus on those things and work with them.

• Talk with someone about your own insecurities. I’ve been professionally counselled before and it was one of the best decisions of my life. I know two different (wonderful) local Psychotherapists who work with parents, children, and offer maternal mental health support, specifically. Contact me if you want their information!

• Start purposing today to just love your child without expectations. Embrace who God made them to be. Let go of who you think they should be and what they should be doing. Imagine how freeing this can be for you and your family!

I’m on this journey, with you. I understand the trap that comparison can be. I understand the pride, insecurities and frustration that comes with parenting. We ALL want the best for our children! We want them to succeed in life. Don’t beat yourself up if you struggle with this, I’ve been there! A tell tale sign that you struggle with it could be that you feel the need to constantly prove to other’s that your child is developing normally. Hey, it’s ok. Just take a deep breath!

It’s a one day at a time process and we’ll all get there. You’re doing a great job!

If these thoughts resonate with you, I’d LOVE to hear from you in the comments.

To The Mama Struggling With Second Child Guilt.

I’ll never forget Family Day 2018. I sat in my bathroom with a pregnancy test in hand watching those two lines form quickly. While I suspected I was pregnant prior to taking a test, there is still something about the finality of a confirmed positive pregnancy test.

That next weekend was my birthday. I spent the majority of the weekend crying and holding my 5 and 1/2 month old. I felt alone, overwhelmed and most of all-I felt incredibly guilty.

Sparing the details of how I became pregnant so quickly (because frankly no-one should ever be asking that question) after the birth of my first, you can gander a wild guess-it wasn’t expected. Unplanned? No. All babies are part of a beautiful plan. But unexpected? Yes.

Mom guilt.

We all have it. It varies in it’s forms. Mom guilt is as complex and as diverse as we are.

The heavy guilt that I carried for many months into my second pregnancy and that even now, I still struggle with is an unwanted companion. Initially, I was consumed by the guilt of not feeling excited about my unexpected pregnancy. While many struggle to conceive, here I am pregnant again. 5 and 1/2 months postpartum. I wasn’t thrilled at the thought of being sick again for months on end. I was just starting to sleep more at night, now that my son was sleep trained. I wasn’t overjoyed at the thought of my body changing all over again.

Hudson James

Another complex part of my guilt was that I was still struggling with extreme postpartum anxiety from the birth of my first child. Hadn’t my son been robbed of enough? He’d already experienced enough difficult days with my overwhelming emotions. Our bond was not immediate upon his arrival. While I loved my first son from the moment I saw him, our bond was not an immediate thing. As I faced the toll that pregnancy would take on my body and mind again, he too would inevitably be affected by my struggles. In many ways, I felt as if I had lost the chance to deepen my bond with my first child because our time together was cut short.

As I imagined, being pregnant while raising a still very young infant, was harder than anything I’d ever done. Medication helped control my sickness but nothing helped the overwhelming fatigue. Nothing changed that my son would go through developmental milestones I was too tired to appreciate. Nothing changed the sheer physical load I had to bear as I carried a very large child within my body AND on the outside of my body. It didn’t matter that I was heavily pregnant and still getting up with my son in the night when he had sleep disturbances.

The night before my oldest son’s first birthday, I snuck into his room long after he fell asleep, took him from his crib and held him, while I silently cried. I stroked his soft blonde hair and lightly kissed his chubby, full cheeks. I marvelled at his size. I couldn’t believe he was a year old, already. The guilt consumed me that night. I had gritted my teeth through the latter half of his infancy. Not because I resented him or the baby I was carrying. It was because I often resented myself for my lack of perspective.

As my second pregnancy neared the end, I never doubted that I was ready to meet who I thought was going to be our daughter. It was a mistaken guess by the ultrasound technician but we had another boy. Truth be told? I was relieved. If anything, I already knew what to expect in many ways with another boy.

Jack David.

My bond with Jack was immediate and surprising to me. While Hudson is strong, independent, emotionally assertive and rarely affectionate, his brother Jack is incredibly affectionate, easygoing and steady. I initially felt guilty that Jack was (and is) an easier child than his older brother. But I’ve come to reconcile that their differences do not make them better than the other. They are wholly different yet the same because they came from me and my husband. I celebrate how different they are.

The transition to having 2 babies who were fourteen months apart was life changing. Because of my postpartum anxiety, everything felt difficult. Going places by myself with the boys felt like an impossible task. The sheer thought of being alone in the evenings while my husband often worked late, was enough to cause a panic attack. The weeks following Jack’s birth were very busy. I tried diligently to hide from others that I was moments from a massive breakdown and only my husband saw the depth of that. I often felt like I was barely treading water. Our little family went through some of the most difficult months of our lives.

As you can imagine the guilt came back with overwhelming force. I would watch my oldest, now transitioning from baby to toddler. I felt guilt as I watched him become, just become-so much quicker. I knew I was missing moments as I felt overwhelmed with the care of another baby. When did he learn to say that? When did he start doing that? I would watch other families that have only one child, around the age of my oldest son. I would feel envy as they experienced every singular milestone in it’s joy.

I have also felt judgement.

I am the hurried mom. I am the distracted mom at the park as I try to manage an infant and toddler. I’m the frustrated and flustered mom. I’m the get to the point mom. I am the- I don’t have time to shoot the breeze while both my kids scream for their naps, mom. I’m the mom who turns on the TV all day sometimes. I’m the mom who sometimes yells. I am the swear like a sailor when I’m stressed out, mom. I’m the exhausted mom who forgets her loads of laundry for days in the dryer because why? Because I’m caring for two other little people whose needs often feel formidable.

But amidst all this guilt, I’ve asked myself a question. What is most important? I think about the wonderful things that my oldest son is already learning, so early in life. He is learning patience, compassion and consideration. He will never not know a time in his life when he was my only baby. And while that thought may bring me sadness at times- is it more important that my oldest son have the childhood that I think he deserves? What would that even look like?

I have this to say.

The companions of motherhood do not have to be guilt and comparison.

What do these terrible companions do but rob us of precious moments with our children? It’s inevitable that we will all feel some guilt in regards to our children at some point during their existence. But to be wholly consumed is another monster altogether. Heed my caution. Do not let it overtake you. It isn’t worth it.

While my observations are nothing miraculous or new, my journey is mine. I am learning to live in the now and embrace the mother that I am, imperfections and all. I do not relish the guilt. I do not desire the comparison. I am learning to surrender these things I carry to a very faithful, kind, merciful and patient God.

When I look at my sons, it heals another part of me. I often marvel at how God gave me the gifts of my sons and I gave my sons the gift of one another. I can’t imagine life without the both of them, here together. That truth can effectively silence the voice of all guilt.

What is your story? I’d love to hear from you.

How To Mom When You Get Sick. (Moms Don’t Take Sick Days)

Last month my husband came home from a long day of work (for him) and a long day of momming (for me) looking pretty pale.

My husband literally never falls ill. Or if he does, he’s over it within 24 hours. So when he started showing signs of illness and commenting on feeling crummy, my heart sank. For my husband to say he doesn’t feel well means that he’s pretty dang sick.

My heart sank for a few reasons, to which you can probably relate if you are a parent of young children.

1. I didn’t want my boys catching whatever my husband had.
2. I knew my husband’s illness would probably result in lack of sleep for the both of us because one of us ends up on an air mattress in the living room or in the playroom. Not the best sleep you’ll get.
3. I could not get sick.

I mean, it’s a given that moms don’t take sick days right? I’m no wimp when it comes to being sick but I also don’t believe in toughing it out when things like vomiting, fevers, colds with green snot, flu, coughs, and such are present in a body. I think it’s actually pretty simple. If you are sick, stay home. I don’t know why that is such a difficult concept for people!

Nobody wants your sickness, Felicia. (Who is Felicia?)

I try take a more natural approach to illness with myself and my family. 75% of the time my natural, holistic remedies, supplements, herbal teas, essential oils and homeopathic thingies really do work! I have a few ways that I like to keep our immune systems bolstered during cold and flu season which you can read about here.

Lack of sleep is a huge factor in weakening my immune system. I have 2 babies and while they sleep pretty great considering, I’m still up through the night. My days also start about 5/6am. So, when this virus hit our home I knew we were all going down like Titanic.

BC (before children) I was able to take real sick days and rest until I wasn’t…..sick. Now when I get sick, I still have a 4 month old and 18 month old to take care of. Long gone are the glorious days of staying in bed, watching Netflix and sipping herbal tea. Now, when I’m sick, I’m also taking care of two helpless monkeys while feeling like a toilet bowl the whole time.

Sometimes our family is able to help (so grateful!) and my husband has stayed home if I really need him to. But our situation is such that if my husband stays home, he does it without pay. So, I have to be in pretty bad shape for him to stay home with us.

So what does a sick mom do when she still has to mom? WELL we’re going on over a month of illness here so I feel like I might have some tips for you.

Here are 5 things to help you mom, while sick (with sick kids) and not die in the process.

• Order food, let family bring you meals, and keep food simple. We did a lot of this the past month. We don’t eat out often but Skip The Dishes became our BFF during illness. Our family also brought meals to us which was heavenly. If I didn’t do either of those things it was usually soup and sandwiches or breakfast for dinner. It’s about survival!

• Lay on the floor. Ok what? I have an 18 month old with endless amounts of energy, even when he’s sick. The poor kid had croup and was still climbing my curtains during the day. When I felt the worst, I dragged out some of his toys to the living room, laid on the floor (on a pillow) and let him climb all over me. This way, I was somewhat conserving my energy. If you can, nap when your kids nap. This wasn’t possible for me because my boys seemed to end up on opposite nap schedules but I did lay on the couch when my 4 month old was awake and my toddler napped.

• Turn on the TV. I think 99% of parents can agree that TV is a blessing in times like these. I don’t feel guilty for using the TV somewhat excessively when we’re all sick. It helps my toddler chill for a bit and rest his body as well as give me a break. If TV isn’t something you use in your home, that’s cool. Find something that your kids love but don’t get to do often and maybe let them do it so you can have some time to sit and rest.

• Take Turns. If you can work it out with your partner or spouse, take turns at night getting up with the kids. My husband has always been a part of nighttime care with our boys just as much as me. Part of that is because my boys took bottles very early on so that worked out for us. If you can work it out taking turns, then both of you can get a chance to rest. Sleep is probably the most important factor in recovering quickly from illness. Have a plan on how you can accomplish getting some rest/recovery quickly.

• Let go of the mess. I wouldn’t call myself a neat freak but I like my home and house clean as well as fairly organized. But this past month my house turned into a dump. Laundry and dishes piled up. Toys were literally everywhere and my floors were one giant, sticky, mess. Since we all had colds, I couldn’t tell you if it smelled like a big diaper and I don’t even care to be honest. Yes, it drove me nuts to see my house a complete mess but my husband and I were basically sleep deprived, tortured prisoners of war. It will be clean again one day. Don’t sweat it.

So, there you have it. If you are reading this and thinking, “Wow this is a no brainer.” Cool. I’m a practical person and I write practical blog posts. When we were all sick this past month, I actually googled “How to survive being sick when you have small children.” SO hopefully someone finds this helpful.

I wish you the best in health and parenthood!

How do you cope as a parent when you are sick? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

7 Ways To Work Through Post-Partum Anxiety and Depression as a Stay At Home Mom

*Edited June 2019

I glance at the clock on the wall for the 100th time today. It’s ONLY 3:30 pm. My husband won’t be home until 7pm. The day is dragging. My 7 month old is teething while my toddler is have meltdowns about literally everything. I’m exhausted, unshowered no one has napped all day and I’m DONE.

I was diagnosed with extreme Postpartum anxiety after the birth of my first son. As I’ve continued to journey through PPA, had another baby and adjusted to other changes in my life, I wanted to share some of the things I’ve done that have helped me through this season of motherhood.

• Established A Routine: If you know me at all, you know I reside in the camp of pro-sleep training and routines. These things have helped immensely with giving my day a sense of direction and purpose. It can be difficult in the beginning when babies require a lot of daytime sleep. You may feel like you can’t leave your house and that may be true for a few months until they can stay awake for longer periods of time. Find a balance that works for you!

  
  

• Found Mom Friends: This can be hard, I understand. I encourage you to find even one mom friend that you feel comfortable being with and make it a priority to get together (with or without babies) for fellowship. This has brought me LIFE in the toughest of seasons. Social media can be a great tool here, as well. Maybe that looks like a mom group on Facebook or a breastfeeding support group, or play group during the week. Whatever it looks like, find what works for you.

• Get Myself (and the kids) Out Of The House: I know this is hard too! Trust me. When we had one car it was NOT my favourite thing to juggle taking my husband to work. BUT I have found how important it is to have a change of scenery. You don’t even have to spend money to do this. You can go to the library, community center, parks, indoor rec center with walking tracks, etc. Even now that I have the car every day, I still walk everywhere most days.

• Meet Your Husband/Partner Halfway: If you can’t get out as easily during the day, find a way to get out in the evening by yourself while your baby daddy holds down the fort. It’s really important to do this! I did this in the winter more often because it was difficult to get out during the daytime. I would drive to the mall and walk around or meet a friend for coffee. It also meant letting go of that control of being the person who predominately cares for my children. I think this goes for letting other family help as well. I’m grateful to my husband’s family who helps us with our boys.

• Take Care of Your Body. This this this! How you do this is going to look different than the next mama. If you like to work out, do it! If you need a lot of sleep then prioritize that. Take care of your skin and hair. Hydrate and eat nourishing foods. But also, maybe right now is not the time to try some extreme fitness program or diet. Be gentle with your body, she’s done some major work recently. Health is a lifestyle and you get to decide what that looks like for you.

• Find A Hobby: THIS. Finding something (or a few things) for myself that I enjoy has given me so much life in this season as new mom while struggling with PPA. I’ve always loved writing. I started using essential oils a few years ago. This lead me to experimenting with making my own natural skin care, body and household products. When I had my son, I had an explosion of ideas to write about as well as new products to experiment making. It only made sense to combine the things I loved and start blogging. It really revives me!

• Have Quiet Time. I’m terrible at this one but I’ve put it back on my list because I know I need it. I’m working on reading a devotional or my bible for a few minutes each day. I know that this is so important for my mind and my soul .

  
  

• Our lives are turned upside down and now we have this human who depends on us for everything. It’s hard not to feel angry or upset sometimes when all we want is five minutes to ourselves. While we may not be able to grab that five minutes in the moment we want it, I do believe it’s possible to make time and practice self-care. Self care will look different for every mama. But you figure out what works for you!

If you struggle with postpartum depression or anxiety, I can truly relate. What we do as moms is an incredibly difficult task. Before I had children, I just had no idea what it would be like. It’s worth it but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. I hope you are encouraged by these suggestions and I’d love to hear from you about how you practice self-care in your season of mother hood!